If that was your dad, he is hot
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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