Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
