So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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