Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So squirting runs in the family.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
