i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
