my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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