Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
