Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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