She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
