Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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