He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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