At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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