So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
