You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
