All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
