i used baking grease as lip gloss
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
