So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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