There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
