I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
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