just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
