i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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