One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
