are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I stole a fireplace last night.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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