I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
