all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
