I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
