I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
