I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize