i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
