everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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