I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
