Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
