I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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