looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
