Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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