I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize