We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
