Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
