How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My bed smells like the plague
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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