You just made me feel so damn special
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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