I faked an abortion last night.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
two words...techno handjob
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
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