she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Randomize
