I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
