It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
