he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
