I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
