i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize