No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
