she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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