hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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