You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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