Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She said her name was "party"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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