he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
