someone threw a dead crab at me
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
