Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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