that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
