so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
pop tarts are not kleenex
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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