I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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