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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize