Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
