That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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