Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize