the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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