It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
