My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
