That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
