90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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