Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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