Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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