if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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