Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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