I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
