So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
