Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
