Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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